……………………….

Lately,

I feel as though I’m destined to live my life in tragic comedy. I’m not happy. I’m nowhere near successful or even satisfaction. It seems I’m not allowed to have the sort of love I need to give and receive. And the really sad part is that im really, really sad. And I don’t have anyone I can even relate to. Im sure a lot of people may say “ boo hoo, here goes the victim”…. That attitude is the glue that holds a smile on my face every day I wake up and go to bed alone. Every time they don’t call back after we have had sex. Every time I don’t get the job. Every time I let someone in and they break the things inside. “Don’t be the victim” , I tell myself. But then, what is it when your hurt by someone?…… what am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to Lash out and become the aggressor? Or do I continue to act like nothing is wrong and drown even further in this delusionary happiness I have concocted for myself. I almost never cry. This week I have cried almost every day. I’m at my breaking point. And I’m not sure what to do. And I don’t want any religion or any sort of peace keeping advice. I have had it with peace, I’m tired of making things peaceful. I want Loud crashing things. I want things to break and be broken the way I am. I want things to cry and scream the way I am.  I wanna know I’m not alone here. I’d like to feel like I won’t be alone for the rest of my life, But I do. A long line of “friends”. And no one can help me. almost like falling from the sky with no parachute. All people can do is watch and wonder if that’s even a human falling and hope that they don’t die this way. they usually do…………….

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