The day before Valentines day…. someone who told me they loved me, Lied to me… to my face up until the very last second of being “caught” so to speak….. the sad thing is this person isn’t even someone i was dating or exclusively seeing. This person is a very close friend with whom lines were crossed. i haven’t been able to talk about this because it hurts so bad. my eyes are filling up even as i type this and think about it. He told me he Loved me and was in Love with me and wants to be with me but the first reason he couldn’t commit is because he had just gotten out of his past relationship. Something i can understand. He didn’t wanna feel as if he had jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend. That, also i can understand, But don’t continue to try and fuck me. Don’t continue to tell me that ” I think about dating you all the time” as if that is supposed to pacify me or make me feel better about the us that isn’t. and then to add insult to injury you tell me a lie that ends with me shaking the hand of some fucker you met online cause you wanna date and feel like what??? Wanted?.. Sought after? Young? Free?
What Kind of freedom do u possess, if you aren’t even free enough to love and live and commit whenever you please, regardless of what has happened in the past or who has something to say about it? That to me sounds like someone trapped in a cycle of self deprivation in some weird and asinine attempt at martyring ones self for the sake of what? just to say you did?… just so you can “testify” to what u have been through and why your too bitter to love anyone else with the same limitless fervor as you loved those who are long gone from your circle of life…. and yet you can mumble out of your mouth that you love me and you will always love me and have me look u in the eye when you say it…. But my love isn’t even worth the truth it seems. Not worth the time it took for me to get over the fact that you were still dating him when you were trying to kiss and grind on me. Not worth the effort i put into knowing who you are and loving that person for who they are and not for what i want you to be. Not worth me saving myself for you because i loved you more than i love myself………. and you wanna be friends after all this….. you wanna still laugh and smile and “Relate”……. I don’t know if i can………….. i have forgiven you… because i don’t want the weight of this.
But i cant forget it, even when i try….